To express my feelings about the loss of the most important person in my life is extremely difficult. There is no beginning nor is there an end. I keep saying to myself that Hilda did not die. Only her physical body departed from my life. That is why, when she was buried, I did not shed a tear. Hilda was not in the coffin but a corpse that would decompose with time and all that would remain would be bones.
My lover would forever be in my heart and mind. Until the day I die she will be with me and hopefully be reunited. I miss her terribly and only God knows how much. I light the Sabbath candles, make kiddish, sing zmiros and bench; all the time staring at her sitting at her usual seat.
I find myself talking to her several times during the day and while lying in bed at night. I cry almost every day while thinking of her, staring at her beautiful face with her constant smile and when people speak about her. The memories of our 73 years together are relived. I relive every moment from the time we met until her death. My crying is a catharsis that prevents me from becoming depressed.
Every waking moment, I see her with a great big smile. I literally speak to her many times during the day and say “good night” to her each and every night. My life has changed dramatically. It is not the same as when she was with me. My home is filled with photos of my beloved wife and I do not cease looking at them. I never envisaged going through this ordeal because I always thought that I would predecease her, being the male partner.
Although I am lonely especially in the evening since I am occupied during the day working at my computer, I do not desire feminine companionship. No woman can replace my darling. In fact, it would be unfair for any woman to come into my life as I would constantly compare Hilda to her. Whether this will endure forever, I do not know. It is now 15 months since she left me and it is as though she departed yesterday.
Although we were together for 73 years, it is not the quantity of years but the quality of those years with her. Had she died after 10 years, my missing her would have been the same. She had every virtue a man seeks in his spouse; beauty, personality, kindness, devotion and putting her husband on a pedestal. Many times I fell off that pedestal but she immediately placed me on another.
The finality of death and not being with her physically is difficult to accept. What comforts me is that when I leave this world I will definitely be reunited with her. Where or when is not as important as the fact that it will occur.
Writing this is a catharsis for me and I am grateful to God for giving her to me and His giving me the ability to express my feelings. I wish all to have the fabulous life that I have had with her both in longevity and quality of life.